Losing Hope: A Novel

Chapter Forty-five

Once we’re back inside our hotel room, I walk her to the bed. She’s having one of her moments where she’s completely zoned out and I don’t do anything to bring her out of it. It’s probably best if she stays like this for a while.

I pull off my shirt, which is now covered in blood. I remove my socks and shoes and jeans and toss them all aside. I walk to where Sky is still standing and I remove her jacket. There’s blood all over her and I’m trying to hurry so I can get her in the shower and wash it off. She finally turns to face me with a blank expression. I lay her jacket across the chair next to us, then lift her shirt over her head.

I reach down to the button on her jeans and undo it, then begin to lower them. When I reach her feet, she just stands still. I look up at her. “I need you to step out of them, babe.”

She looks down at me and places her hands on my shoulders while I pull the jeans off her, one foot at a time. I feel her reach to my hair and brush her fingers through it. I toss her jeans aside and look back up at her. She’s shaking her head looking down at her hands, which are now moving frantically over her stomach. She’s smearing her father’s blood all over her stomach, attempting to wipe it off. She’s gasping for breath, trying to scream, but nothing’s coming out. I stand up and immediately pick her up, rushing her to the shower. I need to get this off her before she completely loses control.

I set her down in the shower and turn on the water. Once it’s warm, I close the shower curtain and pull her wrists away from her stomach. I wrap her arms around me and pull her against my chest, then turn her to where she’s standing under the stream of water.

As soon as the water splashes her face, she gasps and the clarity begins to return to her eyes.

I grab the soap and a washcloth, and rub them under the water, then turn and begin wiping the blood off her face.

“Shh,” I whisper, staring her in the eyes. “I’m getting it off you, okay?”

She squeezes her eyes shut and I diligently wash away every speck of blood from her face. When she’s finally clean, I reach behind her in order to remove her ponytail holder.

“Look at me, Sky,” I say. She opens her eyes and I rest my hand reassuringly on her shoulder. “I’m going to take off your bra now, okay? I need to wash your hair and I don’t want to get anything on it.”

Her eyes grow wide with my words and she pulls her arms through the straps of her bra, then frantically rips it over her head.

“Get it out,” she says quickly, referring to the blood in her hair. “Just get it off me.”

I take her wrists again and wrap her arms around me. “I’ll get it. Hold on to me and try to relax. I’ll do it.”

I pour the shampoo into my hands and bring it to her hair. I have to wash it several times before the water finally runs clean. Once I’m finished washing her, I begin to wash my own hair. I get what I can but without being able to see myself, I don’t know if I’ve washed away everything. I don’t want to ask her to help me do this, but I have to make sure it’s all gone. “Sky, I need you to make sure I got it all, okay? I need you to wipe away anything I missed.”

She nods and takes the washcloth out of my hands. She eyes my hair and my back and my shoulders, then finally rubs the washcloth over my ear.

She pulls the washcloth away from me and looks down at it, running it under the stream of water.

“It’s all gone,” she whispers.

I take the washcloth and toss it onto the edge of the tub.

It’s all gone, I repeat in my head.

I wrap my arms around her and close my eyes. I can feel it building. The questions. The memories. All the times I held Les at night while she cried and I had no idea what he’d done to her. No idea what she’d been through.

I hate him. I f*cking hate that he got away with it for so long. He got away with what he did to Sky, to his sister, to Les. And the worst part is, he’s not alive anymore for me to even be able to kill him.

Sky looks up at me and her eyes are full of sympathy. For a second I don’t understand it, but then I realize I’m crying . . . and that she’s just as sad for me as I am for her. Her shoulders begin to shake and a sob breaks free. She slaps her hand over her mouth and squeezes her eyes shut.

I pull her against my chest and kiss the side of her head.

“Holder, I’m so sorry,” she cries. “Oh, my God, I’m so sorry.”

I tighten my grip around her and press my cheek to the top of her head. I close my eyes and I cry. I cry for her. I cry for Les. I cry for myself.

She curls her arms up behind my shoulders, gripping me tightly, then she presses her lips against my neck. “I’m so sorry,” she says quietly. “He never would have touched her if I . . .”

I grab her by the arms and push her away from me so that I can look her in the eyes. “Don’t you dare say that.” I grab her face with both hands. “I don’t ever want you to apologize for a single thing that man did. Do you hear me? It’s not your fault, Sky. Swear to me you will never let a thought like that consume you ever again.”

She nods. “I swear.”

I continue to maintain eye contact with her, needing to know that she’s telling me the truth. This girl has done nothing that warrants an apology and I never want her thinking like that again.

She throws her arms around my neck, tears falling from both of us now. We hold each other tightly. Desperately. She kisses my neck repeatedly, wanting to reassure me in the only way she knows how.

I lower my lips to her shoulder and kiss her in return. She holds me tighter and I let her. I let her hold me as tight as she possibly can. I continue to kiss her neck and she continues to kiss mine, both of us working our way toward each other’s mouth. Before I reach her lips, I pull back and look into her eyes. She looks into mine and for once in my life, I can honestly say I’ve found the only other person in this world who understands my guilt. The only person who understands my pain. The only person who accepts that it’s who I am.

I used to think the best part of me died with Les, but the best part of me is standing right here in front of me.

In one swift movement, I crash my lips to hers and grip her by the hair. I push her against the shower wall and kiss her with so much conviction, I know she could never for a second doubt how much I love her. I slide my hands down her thighs and lift her up until she wraps her legs around my waist.

I press myself against her and continue kissing her, wanting to feel her, rather than the pain that’s trying to take over. I want nothing but to be a part of her right now and let everything else in our lives just fade away.

“Tell me this is okay,” I say as I pull away from her mouth and search her eyes. “Tell me it’s okay to want to be inside you right now . . . because after everything we’ve been through today, it feels wrong to need you like I do.”

She throws her arms around my neck and grasps my hair, pulling my mouth back to hers, showing me that she needs this just as much as I do. I groan and pull her away from the shower wall, then walk her out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. I drop her down onto the bed, then grab her panties and pull them down her legs. I crash against her mouth and pull off my boxers, which are now soaking wet. All I can think about is how much I need to be inside her right now. I pull apart from her long enough to get a condom on, then I grab her hips and pull her to the edge of the bed. I lift her leg to my side and slide my other arm underneath her shoulder.

She looks up at me and I look down at her. I grip her leg and her shoulder and keep my eyes trained on hers, then push into her. The second I’m inside her, it doesn’t feel like enough. I press my lips to hers and try to search for whatever it is that’s missing from the moment. I move in and out of her, more and more frantic with each thrust, trying desperately to reach a feeling that I don’t even know exists. She relaxes her body against mine, following my movements, allowing me to be in control.

But I don’t want that right now.

That’s what’s wrong with me.

My mind is so exhausted and so tired and my heart hurts so much right now. I just need her to help me figure out how to stop trying to be the hero for once.

I pull away from her and she looks up at me, never questioning why I’ve drastically slowed against her. She just brings her hands to my face and gently runs her fingers over my eyes and my lips and cheeks. I turn my mouth toward the inside of her palm and I kiss it, then drop down on top of her, stopping completely. I keep my gaze locked with hers and I pull her to me, then lift her up as I stand. I’m still inside her and she’s wrapped around me, so I turn my back to the bed and slide down to the floor. I lean forward and kiss her bottom lip softly, then her whole mouth.

I bring a hand to her cheek and drop the other to her hip. I begin to move beneath her, slowly guiding her with my hand, wanting her to just take control. I need her to want to comfort me the same way that I always want to comfort her.

“You know how I feel about you,” I whisper, staring into her eyes. “You know how much I love you. You know I would do whatever I could to take away your pain, right?”

She nods, never pulling her gaze from mine, even for a second.

“I need that from you so f*cking bad right now, Sky. I need to know you love me like that.”

Her expression grows soft and her eyes fill with compassion. She laces our hands together and places them over our hearts. She strokes her thumb against my hand and lifts up slightly, then slowly glides back down me again.

The incredible sensation that rushes through my body causes my head to collapse against the mattress behind me. I groan, unable to keep my eyes open.

“Open your eyes,” she whispers, still moving against me. “I want you to watch me.”

I lift my head and watch her. It’s the easiest thing I’ve ever been asked to do, because she’s f*cking beautiful right now.

“Don’t look away again,” she says, lifting herself up. When she slides back onto my lap, I can barely keep my head up. Especially when that moan escapes her lips and she squeezes my hands even harder.

“The first time you kissed me?” she says. “That moment when your lips touched mine? You stole a piece of my heart that night.”

You stole a piece of mine, too.

“The first time you told me you lived me because you weren’t ready to tell me you loved me yet? Those words stole another piece of my heart.”

But I did love you. I loved you so much.

I open my hand and press it flat against her heart. “The night I found out I was Hope? I told you I wanted to be alone in my room. When I woke up and saw you in my bed I wanted to cry, Holder. I wanted to cry because I needed you there with me so bad. I knew in that moment that I was in love with you. I was in love with the way you loved me. When you wrapped your arms around me and held me, I knew that no matter what happened with my life, you were my home. You stole the biggest piece of my heart that night.”

I didn’t steal it. You gave it to me.

She lowers her mouth to mine and I drop my head back against the mattress and let her kiss me. “Keep them open,” she whispers, pulling away from my lips. I do what she says and somehow open my eyes again, looking directly into hers. “I want you to keep them open . . . because I need you to watch me give you the very last piece of my heart.”

This moment. Right now. It’s almost worth every ounce of pain I’ve ever had to endure.

I tighten my grip on her hands and lean into her, but I don’t kiss her. We get as close as we possibly can and we keep our eyes open until the very last second. Until she completely consumes me and I completely consume her and I have no idea where my love ends and hers begins.

As soon as I begin to tremble and moan beneath her, my head falls against the mattress and she allows me to close my eyes this time. She continues to move on top of me until I’m completely and utterly still.

I give my heart a second to calm down, then I lift my head and look at her. I remove my hands from hers and I slide them through her hair to the back of her head. My lips connect with hers and I kiss her, pushing her off me and onto the floor beneath me. I slide my hand between us and flatten my palm against her stomach, then slowly lower my hand until I find the exact spot that makes my favorite sound escape her mouth. I drink in every single moan and breath that passes her lips. And I let her keep her eyes closed, but I keep mine open and watch her steal the very last piece of my heart.